Rain

Today is a soggy mess so I wanted to share a haiku to describe the day. It is one from my favorite and probably the most prolific Japanese poet of his time, Matsuo Basho (1644-1694).

Passing through the world
Indeed this is just
Sogi's rain shelter.

*Sogi (1421-1502) was a Japanese poet.

No Sleep til Brooklyn

Insomnia, habitual sleeplessness; inability to sleep, something I personally never thought I would experience. I have to be bright eyed and bushy tailed for work tomorrow. Dang! You would think this would motivate me to try some calming exercises.

I have my ear buds in and Bob Dylan is asking me..How does it feel? Lol Not all that bad really. A complete unknown, like a rolling stone. Hmm yes I kind of like the idea of that.

But what I really want to do right now is lie beneath the stars on my blanket under a harvest moon. I want to listen to some sweet song that says someone is in love with me. And look up at a smiling face. 

I have never realized how much we evolve even daily. I learn new things and gain new perspectives each second. I have been missing music and writing and crafting lately. I have been too sad lately to do very much for myself. 

If I could wish for anything, it would be balance. Balance in everything. And patience. Yes those things would be the most important for me. What about you? Sometimes you read a book or two. Learn a few skills that other people don’t know, start getting big for your britches or you forget everyone doesn’t know what you know.

I don’t want to just anticipate the happiness coming, I want to actually feel it again. I don’t want to feel like an empty shell anymore.  I know that I am trying hard not to push myself. Trying not to increase my anxiety levels. But lordy it’s everywhere. 

I must figure this out. I have to accept my feelings even if they do put such a look on my face that people say…aww you look gloomy today. I was NEVER gloomy before. I always appeared happy and found a way to be silly. Now the very thought of being that way makes me want hurl..violently. 

I know this sounds ridiculous but I just need to find myself again. And I’m making progress, no new tattoo or Mohawk hairdo –yet!

Music is on Vacation

Today I have been wrestling with cd burning. Seems like it would be so easy but no, it’s been one error message after another. I have a stack of 30 and they are slowly dwindling with na da to show for it. 

Anyway, I was thinking about a song in particular which came out in late 1971 (before I was born but then my Daddy didn’t raise no fool). I don’t know if most young people would even know this song—American Pie by Don McLean.

Well from what I have uncovered in a bit of research, the song American Pie includes clear reference to the plane crash in which Buddy Holley, The Big Bopper, and Richie Valens lost their lives. It is also believed that the plane was named American Pie.

However, there are several other references to events of the times. Driving the Chevy to the levee, clearly points to the three civil rights workers in Mississippi who were lynched in 1964. A few references to the Beatles Helter Skelter were also thrown in. 

Then McLean seemed to take a stand against the Rolling Stones. While playing a concert at the Altamont Speedway in 1968, the Stones appointed members of the Hell's Angels to work security. It was there that a young man named Meredith Hunter was beaten and stabbed to death -- by the Angels.

Regardless of the numerous references to injustices and the direction America seemed to be taking, I know the song's emotional significance was unmistakable. McLean was clearly relating a defining moment in the American experience—something had been lost, and we knew it.

I think it is important for artists of all mediums to express the environment around them from their own perspective. A lot of us are still trying to win the rat race, never realizing that the faster you run the less you see. It hurts to see. It hurts to feel. But I have learned there’s no getting around it so I am going to keep it simple. 

Think of things like music and art. Maybe what I could do to help another person when they least expect it. I prefer to stroll. Take in the scenery. It sure is nice out. The music didn’t die, it just went on vacation.

Planets Aligned

There is no time like the present. You hear it said many times. It is a good statement to repeat especially when you are in a slump. What has been given to us is great. It is only ourselves that screw it up. 

I try not to think of the people I so badly miss. I try to think of all the things I am going to do when I see them again. In the spring, planting some pretty flowers around here. Taking a million family photos to fill up the gaps of time lost. I imagine the big hugs, conversation, listening to music together or watching a movie, preparing them a meal-- all things I will never take for granted again.

I feel sometimes like an alien from some planet that has yet to be discovered. I have amnesia and that is why I can’t remember where I am from. I know part of my defects center around not trying. I find that it is true, many things I don’t even attempt because it seems too hard or that I will fail. Tasks have never been easy for me for some reason. I don’t seem to understand that things have a beginning and an end. I’m not sure why that is but I just know that it is keeping me sick in this area of my life.

But the life I used to have is over. I have a new life now and I think that when people experience a true catastrophe that is what happens. We become renewed and our options become greater not less. This is a hope that I hang onto every day, somehow my journey will lead to real healing. That I did not go through this just to shrivel up and die. Even though that is often what I find myself doing.

I think the hardest thing to overcome in life is oneself. I haven’t figured out how to do this yet. But I know I am closer to it than I was two years ago.

It is only in the removal of self, what I want, that is going to bring me true everlasting peace. I know this intellectually but it is also extremely hard to practice. One day at a time. That’s all I have. That’s all anyone has. 

In times of sorrow, remember there’s always tomorrow. In times of gladness, there will also be times of sadness. Ebb and flow. Give and take. There is a reason for every season; it’s up to us to keep going instead of being paralyzed by the why. Just for this moment in time, the planets are aligned. I don’t seek the resolution right now just the experience.

Bad Day

Now as for today...well it sucked. I think it's important to say when things suck and own it. I am feeling paralyzed and just low in every way. I don't want to do anything, talk to anybody. Nothing. I'm not sure what can be said other than that.

I wish I could find happiness with myself when I feel like this. But I suppose its normal to feel abnormal too. There is so much work I need to do and it upsets me when I can't seem to move. If I could have your brain, I would take it gladly. Its days like this when I just hate mine. I wish I could smash it to bits. It hurts to breathe. 

But I don't want to drink. Of course I don't really want to do anything. I just want to feel like I want to do something...besides laying in the bed with the covers over my head. So many people have attempted to talk to me and I just can't bear to hold a conversation. 

I know that being negative, glass half empty isn't the way to be thinking but sometimes I am so in that emptiness I cannot fathom ever getting out. I want to be something good for this world for the future, I'm not sure how that is supposed to happen. 

I think my biggest problem today is self absorption. I am clearly thinking of just how horrible I feel and little else. But not even a song can snap my head around. Maybe tomorrow will be better. I know I need to change my attitude or its going to drag me under real quick. I guess knowing that I am doing it is at least one positive in this whole messed-upedness. And I know that isn't a word but I think it should be.

Voltaire a French writer from the 1700's said, "life is a shipwreck but we must not forget to sing in the lifeboats." Which I think means, no matter how little you have (and that includes sanity), you should still be grateful for what you do have and use it wisely. 

So today am I grateful for something? Yes, I am grateful that I'm alive even if I do feel like A**!

Jubal is Late

Ok, this is from Thursday. I wanted to post regardless then I will post something else for today. Yes I know it's crazy...

Today was a rough one for me, of my own making of course. On the way home from a job interview I became so despondent I grabbed my notebook and started scribbling as I was driving (don’t worry I’m a professional).

Such pity I was pouring on myself. The beauty of the day was caving in like dark clouds above my head. I started thinking of the past, how my past will forever affect my future. Big no no.

Yes, I dug myself the biggest hole in creation but honestly knowing myself as I do now, I’m not at all surprised. I guess insurmountable odds are the only way I can feel as though I have really accomplished anything.

This leads me to the why. Why did I allow these negative thoughts space in my head? Shall we take a moment to ponder this…

My thoughts today were driven in part by grandiosity. What is grandiosity you might ask? Well it’s a noun and a noun which packs a big punch for me. It is characterized by affectation of grandeur or splendor or get this absurd exaggeration (hmm). Impressive because of uncommon largeness, scope, effect, or grandeur.

Now as a recovering alcoholic, I am well aware that my ego is hugely inflated. The thing that  I always try to keep in mind every second is that my goal is no longer to be “on top of the world” but to be a part of it. Which is infinitely less lonely!!

But how do my feelings of uncommon largeness or better yet effect ever become a healthy emotion for me?

I know that I have been given the tools to direct my life positively but it is up to me to use them. I also know that feeling too high above the consequences will only cause me to fall that much farther down. Yet, I have to embrace myself, my talents or no one else will.

That’s a fine line if you ask me. Apparently I chose today to attempt enlightenment on the subject.

In conclusion, I had a bad day but I turned it around. We all have it within us to feel hurt and come out okay. As long as we’re breathing there is a way to make anything right. And some unanswered questions may never be answered.

I’m alright with that. I don’t live in a black and white world anyway. It’s a kaleidoscope for me baby! And I wouldn’t have it any other way.