Today was a
rough one for me, of my own making of course. On the way home from a job
interview I became so despondent I grabbed my notebook and started scribbling
as I was driving (don’t worry I’m a professional).
Such pity I was
pouring on myself. The beauty of the day was caving in like dark clouds above
my head. I started thinking of the past, how my past will forever affect my
future. Big no no.
Yes, I dug
myself the biggest hole in creation but honestly knowing myself as I do now,
I’m not at all surprised. I guess insurmountable odds are the only way I can
feel as though I have really accomplished anything.
This leads me to
the why. Why did I allow these negative thoughts space in my head? Shall we
take a moment to ponder this…
My thoughts
today were driven in part by grandiosity. What is grandiosity you might ask?
Well it’s a noun and a noun which packs a big punch for me. It is characterized
by affectation of grandeur or splendor or get this absurd exaggeration (hmm).
Impressive because of uncommon largeness, scope, effect, or grandeur.
Now as a
recovering alcoholic, I am well aware that my ego is hugely inflated. The thing
that I always try to keep in mind every
second is that my goal is no longer to be “on top of the world” but to be a
part of it. Which is infinitely less lonely!!
But how do my
feelings of uncommon largeness or better yet effect ever become a healthy
emotion for me?
I know that I
have been given the tools to direct my life positively but it is up to me to
use them. I also know that feeling too high above the consequences will only
cause me to fall that much farther down. Yet, I have to embrace myself, my
talents or no one else will.
That’s a fine
line if you ask me. Apparently I chose today to attempt enlightenment on the
subject.
In conclusion, I
had a bad day but I turned it around. We all have it within us to feel hurt and
come out okay. As long as we’re breathing there is a way to make anything
right. And some unanswered questions may never be answered.
I’m alright with
that. I don’t live in a black and white world anyway. It’s a kaleidoscope for
me baby! And I wouldn’t have it any other way.
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