Planets Aligned

There is no time like the present. You hear it said many times. It is a good statement to repeat especially when you are in a slump. What has been given to us is great. It is only ourselves that screw it up. 

I try not to think of the people I so badly miss. I try to think of all the things I am going to do when I see them again. In the spring, planting some pretty flowers around here. Taking a million family photos to fill up the gaps of time lost. I imagine the big hugs, conversation, listening to music together or watching a movie, preparing them a meal-- all things I will never take for granted again.

I feel sometimes like an alien from some planet that has yet to be discovered. I have amnesia and that is why I can’t remember where I am from. I know part of my defects center around not trying. I find that it is true, many things I don’t even attempt because it seems too hard or that I will fail. Tasks have never been easy for me for some reason. I don’t seem to understand that things have a beginning and an end. I’m not sure why that is but I just know that it is keeping me sick in this area of my life.

But the life I used to have is over. I have a new life now and I think that when people experience a true catastrophe that is what happens. We become renewed and our options become greater not less. This is a hope that I hang onto every day, somehow my journey will lead to real healing. That I did not go through this just to shrivel up and die. Even though that is often what I find myself doing.

I think the hardest thing to overcome in life is oneself. I haven’t figured out how to do this yet. But I know I am closer to it than I was two years ago.

It is only in the removal of self, what I want, that is going to bring me true everlasting peace. I know this intellectually but it is also extremely hard to practice. One day at a time. That’s all I have. That’s all anyone has. 

In times of sorrow, remember there’s always tomorrow. In times of gladness, there will also be times of sadness. Ebb and flow. Give and take. There is a reason for every season; it’s up to us to keep going instead of being paralyzed by the why. Just for this moment in time, the planets are aligned. I don’t seek the resolution right now just the experience.