Planets Aligned

There is no time like the present. You hear it said many times. It is a good statement to repeat especially when you are in a slump. What has been given to us is great. It is only ourselves that screw it up. 

I try not to think of the people I so badly miss. I try to think of all the things I am going to do when I see them again. In the spring, planting some pretty flowers around here. Taking a million family photos to fill up the gaps of time lost. I imagine the big hugs, conversation, listening to music together or watching a movie, preparing them a meal-- all things I will never take for granted again.

I feel sometimes like an alien from some planet that has yet to be discovered. I have amnesia and that is why I can’t remember where I am from. I know part of my defects center around not trying. I find that it is true, many things I don’t even attempt because it seems too hard or that I will fail. Tasks have never been easy for me for some reason. I don’t seem to understand that things have a beginning and an end. I’m not sure why that is but I just know that it is keeping me sick in this area of my life.

But the life I used to have is over. I have a new life now and I think that when people experience a true catastrophe that is what happens. We become renewed and our options become greater not less. This is a hope that I hang onto every day, somehow my journey will lead to real healing. That I did not go through this just to shrivel up and die. Even though that is often what I find myself doing.

I think the hardest thing to overcome in life is oneself. I haven’t figured out how to do this yet. But I know I am closer to it than I was two years ago.

It is only in the removal of self, what I want, that is going to bring me true everlasting peace. I know this intellectually but it is also extremely hard to practice. One day at a time. That’s all I have. That’s all anyone has. 

In times of sorrow, remember there’s always tomorrow. In times of gladness, there will also be times of sadness. Ebb and flow. Give and take. There is a reason for every season; it’s up to us to keep going instead of being paralyzed by the why. Just for this moment in time, the planets are aligned. I don’t seek the resolution right now just the experience.

Bad Day

Now as for today...well it sucked. I think it's important to say when things suck and own it. I am feeling paralyzed and just low in every way. I don't want to do anything, talk to anybody. Nothing. I'm not sure what can be said other than that.

I wish I could find happiness with myself when I feel like this. But I suppose its normal to feel abnormal too. There is so much work I need to do and it upsets me when I can't seem to move. If I could have your brain, I would take it gladly. Its days like this when I just hate mine. I wish I could smash it to bits. It hurts to breathe. 

But I don't want to drink. Of course I don't really want to do anything. I just want to feel like I want to do something...besides laying in the bed with the covers over my head. So many people have attempted to talk to me and I just can't bear to hold a conversation. 

I know that being negative, glass half empty isn't the way to be thinking but sometimes I am so in that emptiness I cannot fathom ever getting out. I want to be something good for this world for the future, I'm not sure how that is supposed to happen. 

I think my biggest problem today is self absorption. I am clearly thinking of just how horrible I feel and little else. But not even a song can snap my head around. Maybe tomorrow will be better. I know I need to change my attitude or its going to drag me under real quick. I guess knowing that I am doing it is at least one positive in this whole messed-upedness. And I know that isn't a word but I think it should be.

Voltaire a French writer from the 1700's said, "life is a shipwreck but we must not forget to sing in the lifeboats." Which I think means, no matter how little you have (and that includes sanity), you should still be grateful for what you do have and use it wisely. 

So today am I grateful for something? Yes, I am grateful that I'm alive even if I do feel like A**!

Jubal is Late

Ok, this is from Thursday. I wanted to post regardless then I will post something else for today. Yes I know it's crazy...

Today was a rough one for me, of my own making of course. On the way home from a job interview I became so despondent I grabbed my notebook and started scribbling as I was driving (don’t worry I’m a professional).

Such pity I was pouring on myself. The beauty of the day was caving in like dark clouds above my head. I started thinking of the past, how my past will forever affect my future. Big no no.

Yes, I dug myself the biggest hole in creation but honestly knowing myself as I do now, I’m not at all surprised. I guess insurmountable odds are the only way I can feel as though I have really accomplished anything.

This leads me to the why. Why did I allow these negative thoughts space in my head? Shall we take a moment to ponder this…

My thoughts today were driven in part by grandiosity. What is grandiosity you might ask? Well it’s a noun and a noun which packs a big punch for me. It is characterized by affectation of grandeur or splendor or get this absurd exaggeration (hmm). Impressive because of uncommon largeness, scope, effect, or grandeur.

Now as a recovering alcoholic, I am well aware that my ego is hugely inflated. The thing that  I always try to keep in mind every second is that my goal is no longer to be “on top of the world” but to be a part of it. Which is infinitely less lonely!!

But how do my feelings of uncommon largeness or better yet effect ever become a healthy emotion for me?

I know that I have been given the tools to direct my life positively but it is up to me to use them. I also know that feeling too high above the consequences will only cause me to fall that much farther down. Yet, I have to embrace myself, my talents or no one else will.

That’s a fine line if you ask me. Apparently I chose today to attempt enlightenment on the subject.

In conclusion, I had a bad day but I turned it around. We all have it within us to feel hurt and come out okay. As long as we’re breathing there is a way to make anything right. And some unanswered questions may never be answered.

I’m alright with that. I don’t live in a black and white world anyway. It’s a kaleidoscope for me baby! And I wouldn’t have it any other way.

New Beginnings

So, this is my first post. 

The first thing I will do is to clarify the reason I have decided to use the profile name of Jubal Early. We were studying the Civil War in middle school and I ran across the name. A general for the confederacy, Jubal had not only an extremely cool name but was also consistently described by his peers as eccentric, outspoken, caustic, opinionated, and a great swearer with imaginatively profane speech. Ahh..the perfect pen name for one such as I.

I never know what I might decide to expound on so everyone should hang onto the edge of their seats. This is the first of many such times I hope to speak to you. Possibly touch your heart or tickle your brain cells a bit. We all have a voice and it is a sad thing when it has no way to come out. 

I feel blessed today to be a part of the world. I know that there is a reason I am here and its not always for me to know what that reason is. Today I have faith and hope in humanity that I wish to share, for there were times when I firmly believed my life was over and would never be worth living. 

It is amazing how things change. Also amazing that one life derailed could hold such promise for others. But that's the way it works. In order to keep my sanity, I have to do good works. That is why I chose that title for my blog. It says it all really. I hope that My Good Works help someone else while providing my own salvation.

We all deserve a second chance. I have learned that there really is peace and love out there..but not until I learned to love and find peace within myself.

Thomas Paine once said the harder the conflict, the more glorious the triumph.  This sounds very promising. I yearn for days with the sun on my face but its okay because I am also outfitted for those storms which will inevitably come my way.

I'm glad to be here. And I am glad you are as well!